Turning 50 and Starting Over: How I Found Strength and You Can Too (with Reese Wilson)

Speaker A: 00:00:00

Welcome to Vibrant Second Act. This podcast is dedicated to helping you build strength, confidence and radiant vitality from the inside out. Let's get into it.

Speaker B: 00:00:15

What do I, who am I? What do I like? What do I want to do? What do I want to do with my life? And it's figuring that out.

Speaker A: 00:00:23

Today's guest, Reese Wilson, is going to share her personal story that she actually is putting in her book. It's going to be named the Black cup.

And that is going to be something that many of us who are in the relationship for a long time and sometimes we question, are we in the right place at the right time. She's going to help us to transition to the answer or what she has found.

And now she's teaching women all over through her speaking engagements and podcasts interviews like these. And welcome Rhys. And I am sorry that we have to start with the negative, but I hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Speaker B: 00:01:17

Absolutely. Yes, absolutely. And thank you for having me. I'm really happy to be here.

Speaker A: 00:01:21

When did you, when did you realize that your wins kind of are slowing down?

Speaker B: 00:01:28

Oh, that's a, you know, it wasn't one moment. And, and that's the thing about a relationship like this. A high contention, I would say, or toxic relationship.

It's a slow leak, it's a slow erode that sort of takes place over years. There was a moment when my ex husband and I had, we'd been married for 24 years and he had been giving me the silent treatment.

He hadn't spoken to me in a couple of weeks and he brought me a cup of coffee in bed one morning and to say that we needed to talk. And he and I have this thing that it's just my thing. I love my coffee in a white cup.

I had all of these favorite white cups on display right by the coffee machine. And he brought me coffee in a black cup. And I remember looking at that and thinking, does he not know me at all? Have I not made myself known?

Have I not spoken up about what I like or what I prefer? Is he doing this on purpose just to see if I will complain or, or, or say something?

And then he could say that I was ungrateful for that he brought me coffee. You know, I, all of these questions going through my head and I realized like a coffee cup has made me question my entire 24 year relationship.

That was an aha moment for me that I realized something is, is not right here because it was something really small, but it said so much about what was going on under the surface,.

Speaker A: 00:03:07

And that was already after years of.

Speaker B: 00:03:09

Being together, 24 years.

Speaker A: 00:03:12

Confused, or was that a subliminal message?

Speaker B: 00:03:16

You're never quite sure where they're coming from, if they're sincere, if they're not sincere, if they're doing the things that you're. They're doing to you on purpose, do they realize what they're doing? Is it me? Am I the problem? So there is a lot of confusion that comes with that.

Speaker A: 00:03:31

So before you have decided on divorce, have you tried marriage counseling?

Speaker B: 00:03:39

Yes, and I'm glad that you asked that. There was. There was a point towards the end that I insisted that we do therapy.

We were a religious family, and he wouldn't listen to or take in any of the information from the religious part of our life. He didn't want anything to do with that. And so I said, that's fine, but then let's talk to a professional then, because maybe that will.

Will mean more to you. So. And then my ex husband had no respect for boundaries or other people's time, and he just kept going.

And the therapist actually ended up hanging up on him. Yes. And that said a lot to me. I'm like, okay, this is not just me. It's not just me that's frustrated.

It's not just me that feels like I'm talking to a brick wall. And so from that point forward, we never met with the marriage therapist anymore.

I ended up getting a personal therapist and started working with a personal therapist on my own after that.

Speaker A: 00:04:45

So you have tried many venues to succeed in that relationship, which you. You just didn't want to destroy, basically. Although it doesn't sound like it was a good relationship. But you wanted salvage.

Speaker B: 00:05:03

So I had been married before. I was married very young. I was married at 18, and I was married for about six, five, six years and had a son from that relationship.

And so when I met my second husband and we married, there were signs almost immediately that. That this was not what I thought it was. He was not who I thought he was. But I did not want to be someone.

Somebody that was 26 years old and divorced twice. I really felt like that was a reflection on me, like I. What does that say about me? So I have to make this. This relationship work.

Then we ended up having two children together. So then there was, you know, we were a family. Our children were involved. All of his friends became my friends.

So his world, his friends, his family, that was my. My sphere. So divorcing him would have meant much more than just him. There was a whole life, a whole family, a whole world involved in that.

And, and I had religious reasons as well that I just didn't really believe that divorce was the right move like I needed to, to make it work. So, yeah, for, for 24 years there were, I had a lot of reasons of why I just stayed and kept trying to make things better, involved in that.

And, and I had religious reasons as well that I just didn't really believe that divorce was the right move like I needed to, to make it work. So yeah, for, for 24 years, there were. I had a lot of reasons of why I just stayed and kept trying to make things better.

Speaker A: 00:06:49

Okay, yes. I'm sorry that that came to that. But I'm glad that you have decided on taking your life back, taking your power back, taking your confidence back.

Because we stop trusting ourselves. We stop giving ourselves the love that we need. Just try and try and try. So many women are on the same path right now.

How to discover yourself, how to trust yourself again.

Speaker B: 00:07:23

Yeah, so I'm, I'm writing a book. Well, it's, it's written, it's set to launch here, coming up in just a couple of weeks. So I'm really excited about that. It's called the Black Cup.

So it's kind of based on the story that I told you when he brought me the black coffee that became sort of a symbol for me. Yeah. And so, yeah, yeah, it really.

I joke that it's a memoir, but it reads a little like a psychological thriller because it's such a roller coaster ride of behaviors and emotions that I went through over all of that time. And, and the, the reader is really figuring things out with me.

I had to resist the, the urge to over explain in the beginning, you know, to tell people this is why this matters or this is why this counts. Instead, I'm dropping these little breadcrumbs of information that all end up tying together later.

When I started to figure things out, that's when the reader starts to figure things out. So it was an interesting process writing the book. I didn't want it to be a self help manual. I wanted it to be a story.

I wanted it to be something that you read and could almost see yourself in it and be like, oh, I have experienced that. I, I know what she's talking about. I've seen that. So that's, I wanted the experience to read almost more like a novel.

So, yeah, so I'm excited for the book to be coming out.

Speaker A: 00:08:58

That's, that's very generous of you to share your life story with others who might really need this help. My need confirmation that they're, they're right. And some relationships, of course, they're very successful and we are not speaking about those.

So now when you do the keynote speaking, who are you speaking to? Women's groups or who like who you connect with.

Speaker B: 00:09:29

So mostly it is women that I cater my information to. Obviously men also find themselves in these types of relationships and situations. So it is not something that is only women that experience this.

Men experience this too. But for me, my audience is women. So I speak to women's groups, Rotary clubs, things like that.

And, and from there I usually try to offer people support. If you recognize yourself in what I'm talking about, you need support.

Because really isolation and silence is something that only benefits the abuser. And that is what a person like this is.

They are abusive, which, that's a hard word to wrap your head around when you are a person in a position like I was. I loved this man. I loved him deeply. So to call him an abuser felt almost disloyal. It felt, it was just a very, it felt very harsh.

I had a huge amount of compassion for him because he had a difficult upbringing. There are definitely some reasons behind the personality traits that he developed that were sort of a protection for him.

So I had this huge amount of compassion for him and I had to get to a point where I realized that I needed to have compassion for myself even more. And so that's what I want to help women to understand. If you need, you need support.

If you find yourself in a situation like this, you deserve compassion as well. And, and that's what I want to be able to give.

Speaker A: 00:11:18

So what is one way of supporting women who are going through this? Or men, it doesn't matter. So they don't feel embarrassed that this is happening, that their friends are going to think that it's you actually.

Yeah, causing.

Speaker B: 00:11:36

That's a great question. Because there is a lot of shame that comes with coming out of a relationship like this. Usually you silence yourself, you keep things quiet, quiet.

And when somebody starts to come out of a relationship, they will start to talk and they will start to tell stories. And sometimes family members or well meaning friends never saw it because you hid it so well.

So they may have a hard time believing or understanding or wrapping their head around these behaviors because they didn't see them. So if you are giving somebody support, for one thing, you need to not be judgmental. The question so often given is why did you stay for so long.

If it was that bad, why, why would you put up with that? There are so many reasons, and that is complicated. So don't ask that question. It's just not a helpful question. It is what goes through their mind.

And I understand that because you. You do think why. But it's not a helpful question. They need support.

They need to be reassured that they can figure things out, that they are good enough, that they are fine on their own without this person. So they're going to need a lot of encouragement, a lot of boosting, and they're going to need a lot of patience.

Because sometimes there was a statistic that I heard, and I don't know how accurate it is, but it feels accurate.

They said that the average person leaving an abusive relationship, it will take them seven times of actually leaving and going back, and leaving and going back a total of seven times before they finally leave for good. And that's an average.

So when somebody starts to come out and starts to tell stories and maybe they leave this abusive person, they may go back over and over again. So as somebody supporting them, you need to be really patient and understand that this is a part of the process of breaking free.

Speaker A: 00:13:46

And they do go back many because it's familiar. And you always want to go back to what was familiar, the unknown path ahead of you. Sometimes it's scary, but it's definitely worthwhile to.

To save your life, to save your. Whatever else you want to do in life, right?

Speaker B: 00:14:09

Yeah. And you need to remember that you don't need to know what the answer is to know that there is an answer. There is a solution.

You may not know what it is yet, and it can be scary not knowing, but there is one. So have the faith. Have faith in yourself.

Speaker A: 00:14:28

So what I want to ask is what is the type of support that you would be seeking? Is it personal therapist?

Obviously it's not your friend, because your friend is always going to align with you and tell you everything, that it's what you want to hear. What?

Speaker B: 00:14:46

Yeah, sometimes.

Speaker A: 00:14:47

Yeah. Yeah. Who would you reach out?

Speaker B: 00:14:50

So you do need your friends. I'll say this. You need more than one avenue of support. You're going to need a lot of support.

Kind of like the difference of if you have a broken finger or if you have a broken back. Those two injuries require different types of support. So this is. Requires a large amount of support.

I would definitely suggest a therapist to help you dig into what it is inside yourself that caused you to seek out a person like this or that caused you to be attractive to a person like this and that you. I mean, for. For myself, there was a time when I really felt like he was the best I would ever get and that I deserved what I was getting. And.

And so you need a therapist to help you figure those things out so that you don't get out of one relationship and go into another relationship. That's exactly the same. That's how I would say, yeah, that's important.

Also, finding other women who have been through something similar and gotten out, that is. That is a fantastic way because they get you. So.

Speaker A: 00:16:06

So that's what I was going to ask you. Are they support groups for that or divorced women or men?

Speaker B: 00:16:14

There are. There are support groups, if you can find them. Like I said, there is a lot of shame that comes along with this.

So sometimes support is not super easy to find because people aren't wanting to really speak up and say, yes, I've. I've gone through this. But coaches, personal coaches, is a huge one. That is something that I offer, is coaching.

So you can go to my website and reach out to me for support. Another. Another avenue that is free is just through platforms, social media platforms like Instagram or Facebook or TikTok.

There are a lot of people out there that have been through this that are making videos about it, and they explain things in a way that helps you to understand it. That can be another avenue of support.

Speaker A: 00:17:06

So are you saying you're a personal coach right now or after this?

Speaker B: 00:17:12

Yes.

Speaker A: 00:17:13

What had happened?

Speaker B: 00:17:14

Yeah.

Speaker A: 00:17:14

Okay. So how do you feel right now? Are you feeling joyful? Are you feeling in control of your life? Or is there more stress, more things to discover?

Speaker B: 00:17:28

There's always more to discover. I would say I am a passionate learner, and I will be the first one to tell you that I do not know everything that there is to know. I'm not.

I'm not a therapist. I'm not a psychotherapist. But what I am is a. Is a woman who has been through these things, and I understand them very well.

And what I offer is support, empathy, and. And a light at the end of the tunnel. And so, you know, in my menopause brain, I forgot what the question was. I got.

Speaker A: 00:18:08

No, no, it's wonderful. It's wonderful. Yes. If. If someone wants to work with you or just ask you for support and what you offer, what. Where would they find you?

Speaker B: 00:18:21

On my website, which is unstoppable-life.com you can go there and poke around. I have a lot of information. I have a lot of blogs and articles on that website.

There is also a really easy form that you can fill out and just say, hey, tell me. You know, here's here. This is me. Hello. Nice to meet you. I would like some support. And from there, we'll figure it out.

We'll figure out what you need and what I can get you and how I can support you and help you.

Speaker A: 00:18:57

That's beautiful, because sometimes the first step is to reach out to someone who understands, who've been there, who've been on this path. And then later on, you can move on to other venues and just deal with this. And what state are you in, Rhys?

Speaker B: 00:19:19

I am in California.

Speaker A: 00:19:20

Okay. So we have.

Speaker B: 00:19:21

But I can. I can do zoom so. Or phone calls, so I can help women no matter where they are.

Speaker A: 00:19:28

I know this is very touchy subject, so I'm glad we are bringing this up. And we want to definitely encourage women and men, because that can happen to anyone, to start living life that you've imagined.

And that's why Vibrant Second act might be just applicable for this conversation. So I hope it helps you, the audience. I hope it helps others who are not even hearing this.

Please share this with others because this is not a taboo subject anymore. It's something that we should be talking about.

We should be living in communities, finding support from others on whatever level of transition we are in at this stage of life after 50. And normally that happens after 50. How old were you, Reese, when that happened?

Speaker B: 00:20:36

I was 49, so I was getting ready to turn 50. And when I turned 50, I. My life was such a wreck, I didn't even have the brain space to worry about turning 50.

Speaker A: 00:20:51

Yeah.

Speaker B: 00:20:51

So, yeah, that's where I was is right there, right at that moment.

Speaker A: 00:20:55

That's beautiful. And that's what we shouldn't be worrying about, the age, the number.

Because life goes on and we need to adjust or adapt to whatever is happening in life. It doesn't matter what age we are. We can handle that.

And the most important thing is to care for yourself enough to step up and make decisions that would help us to move on and live another 50 or more years peacefully.

Speaker B: 00:21:29

Yeah. Yeah. 10 Years lived peacefully and happily can be so much better than 30 years lived miserable. So make them count.

Speaker A: 00:21:39

Make them count. Thank you so much, Rhys. Thank you so much for joining us.

Speaker B: 00:21:44

All right, thank you so much for having me. I really enjoyed it.