Why You Feel Invisible After 50 (And How to Anchor Back In) | Katie Farinas

Speaker A: 00:00:00

Welcome to Vibrant Second Act. This podcast is dedicated to helping you build strength, confidence, and radiant vitality from the inside out. Let's get into it.

When a woman reaches midlife, her children are grown, career is shifting, body is changing. She often asks herself, who am I now? Where do I belong? Today's guest, Katie Farinas, is a former registered nurse and yoga teacher.

She's going to help us to redirect our attention, rediscover ourselves, and maybe give us a path to follow to find ourselves. Welcome, Katie.

Speaker B: 00:00:50

Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to have this conversation.

Speaker A: 00:00:54

Yes.

I'm so glad to be speaking with you, because many of us are after 50, we're feeling a little invisible, that we don't belong, we don't have any say anymore. And that's not a good place to be in.

Speaker B: 00:01:13

Yeah, it's really not. And I work with midlife women, and what I hear a lot of them say is, essentially all of these things are changing.

My body, my relationships, my parenting, my. Even my joy, even which brings me happiness and joy are all shifting without my permission. They're being taken from me. I have no. I have no control.

I have no choice. And it's really leaving me feeling untethered. Who am I?

If I'm not the everyday mom, if I'm not the wife, if I'm not the person who enjoys tennis anymore or running anymore because my body says, no, you can't do that anymore, then who am I? Because I've really identified with these roles and responsibilities.

And so when they start shedding, the ground that we stand on feels very, very shaky.

Speaker A: 00:02:13

Yes, that's very true. And that's not a good place to be in because it makes us feel like we don't belong.

Speaker B: 00:02:21

Yes, it makes us feel like we don't belong. And you use the word previously invisible. This is something that a lot of women say, I feel like I don't have value anymore.

And part is a societal problem. We live in a culture that does really highly values women's beauty and youth.

And when those things start to shift, as they inevitably do as we age, we feel as though we've become invisible because the people around us may start to treat us that way.

And this is why it is so important in midlife to really learn how to connect deeply to your soul and know who you are and know your worth, because the world isn't going to serve it to you anymore. The world, your world that you live in isn't going to hand you your worth because that Worth is shifting.

And you have inherent worth that you had since you were born, but previously your worth was defined by what you could do and how you looked. And as that starts to shift, we need to go inside and find that inherent worth that we actually had all along.

Speaker A: 00:03:44

I think we were actually programmed to follow that path set out for us, which is go to school, college, marriage, marriage, then children, take care of your husband, take care of your children, leave yourself on the back. So don't attend to yourself as much. So it's all programming and somewhere at 50, everything changes. And then we decide that, no, what about me?

And this is what you are teaching, that you can reclaim yourself. You just have to know how to. You gotta find a guide who can help you with that.

Speaker B: 00:04:35

Yes. And I think, you know, as this is really the first generation of women who are doing this, so we don't have mentors to look to. We don't.

We can't look at our mothers and say, oh, how did my mom do it? Or my aunt do it?

Because for so long that programming was so ingrained in our society that women didn't even consider stepping outside of the programming. And now we are. And what a beautiful gift that is.

I'm so excited for this generation of women and for the women who come after us, who now will have people to look to. And they won't.

I think that they won't feel as invisible or as lost because we are doing the work that we're doing right now and we're showing them that life doesn't stop at 50. We don't become invisible and fade off into old, old age. Ness. We have so much value and so much left to do and give. It's just going to shift.

It's going to change. It's going to look different than what it looked previously.

And it's going to be much more in alignment with our hearts and our souls than with what culture just expects of us.

Speaker A: 00:05:54

Yes.

If you are at any point feeling like you are falling into the background because everyone else is kind of showing you the signs, find a community like this one, or Katie is going to share how she teaches us how to reclaim our worth or self worth. And there is so much that we can do in this second part of our life because we have so much knowledge.

The only thing that we need to do is stay firm in our belief that we are valued, we are worth anything that is going to happen in the second part of our life. Plus we can do things that we have never had the time to do. In the first part of our life. So there is hope.

You just have to hear people who are encouraging you to do so.

Speaker B: 00:06:59

Yeah, absolutely. And you have to. And this is what my work speaks to connect inward.

We have to stop looking outside of ourselves for, for our worth and our value and for direction and start turning inward and going deep within and asking those really hard questions. Who am I? What, what do I want? What is my purpose here in this lifetime? And those are big questions and they don't, they don't come easily.

I wish there was a, a checklist that I could give you that would answer all of those questions in a matter of minutes. But really it's the ongoing work of staying deeply connected to your soul, to your intuition and to your guidance system. And that can be God, right?

Some people believe guide and that's fine. You can think energetically, universe divine. Or maybe there's just a larger cause that you feel really connected to.

Whatever it is, we need to connect inward, but then we also need to connect to that larger piece that's outside of us and guiding us forward.

Speaker A: 00:08:13

Yes, you said that very beautifully that we are looking for something outside of us to help us to look good, to dress up differently so we don't look so aged. And those fillers and injections that is definitely pumping social media is giving us all the. After 50, it all goes downhill. And that's so wrong.

This is exactly the scripting, the societal scripting that we want to step away from. We want to connect with people who will empower us to use our resources to our advantage. And yes, you can look better if you feel better.

Speaker B: 00:09:08

So yeah, it is, it is. But I would really encourage people to.

So as we haven't mentioned this yet, but my coaching and all of my work is through the integrated system of yoga.

And so yoga has been in the western culture, yoga really has been distilled down to postures that we take on a mat for an hour long class that we may attend one or a few times a week. But true yoga, ancient wisdom of yoga is an integrated system that involves the body, the mind, the breath.

And it is the pathway or the map to freedom in our lives. And freedom in our lives means understanding that we are not this body. This body is going to change.

And in fact, everything in your life is going to change. Your body, your beliefs, your relationships. As we discussed, midlife being a huge season where all of this change seems to be coalescing at once.

But when we can disidentify with all of those things and understand yes. This body is changing. It is not who I am. It houses my soul.

It allows me to engage with life, and I'm going to take care of it because I am blessed to have a functioning body. But I'm not going to hinge my self worth on the way that my body looks, because this is not actually who I am.

It's just something I utilize to move through the world. So it's a whole perspective shift on.

On who we are and this disentangling ourselves, detaching from the what we were told we were and deeply coming to know who and what we actually are.

Speaker A: 00:11:08

Because when we go back with our minds, we don't really want to be 20 again. Life was tough because we had so much go. We were going up, upward, and it was hard. And why would anybody want to go back there?

You have to stay where you are. You just have to find that joy in life. And this is what Katie is teaching us. And that's what the vibrant second act is about.

Speaker B: 00:11:40

Yes. Yes. And you have to be open.

As I mentioned in the beginning, a lot of women in midlife feel very frustrated that the things that once brought them joy don't anymore. And they don't understand why and they can't figure out what does bring them joy. So life, it starts to feel very black and white.

It feels like it's losing its color. And it requires us to get very curious, very courageous and very still. Right. Curious. What is going on? What, what would I like? What can I try?

What's something new that I can engage in, which requires courage. Right?

To do something new that we've never done before takes a good deal of courage, and it requires stillness because that is where answers come from. Answers come from stillness. The world is very loud. It is loud. It's flashy, it's in your face, and it is constantly distracting you.

But it's in the stillness and in the quiet that our soul speaks. That's where our intuition starts coming through and when we can access our higher self or our true self.

This, this part of us that never changes and is our internal GPS system. So meditation is a big part of what I offer my students and my clients.

Because it's in that practice of silent stillness that we connect to who we truly are and we get the guidance that we're seeking. What do I do about this relationship that doesn't seem to be working?

What do I do about the fact that I keep repeating the same pattern in my life that I don't want to repeat, but I Can't seem to stop myself.

You know, what do I do about the fact that I don't feel courageous enough to try something new because I'm afraid of what other people will think or say? This is where that internal turning inside and towards yourself is. So is such a blessing and a gift during this stage of life.

Speaker A: 00:13:49

Yes, I love that because my yoga classes are just like every woman I know. We just go to just get it done. There is no clear purpose because there is nothing, nothing that is grounding us.

It's more about just posture, like you said, or. Or maybe just a little breathing, exercising, but that's about it.

But what you're teaching, what you're showing is there is more to yoga than just a mat.

Speaker B: 00:14:25

So, yes, absolutely. And I think your experience is extremely common one. I think it is rare that yoga is displayed in its full glory.

We go there, we get maybe some exercise, we stretch something out that feels tight, and maybe we experience an hour where we feel a little bit more peaceful or a little calmer. Right. So we enjoy it. It feels good, which is beautiful. Right? This is a beautiful part of the practice. I am.

I teach regular Austin in class, and I take it. So I have. I am not disparaging that part of the practice. It is absolutely an essential component to the entire system.

But what I want to offer people and what the system, which is thousands of years old, is truly designed to do is to take that learning and move it off the mat. Yoga was not meant to be kept on a mat. It was meant to be a way of engaging in life, a way of living.

And truly, what it was really designed for was liberation from ourselves.

And so that anxiety that you keep experiencing, those intrusive thoughts, that sense of nervousness or tension that you're holding in your body, the relationships that just keep not working, and you can't figure out why all these things, this is yoga. This is what yoga was designed to help you with.

So, yes, you go into the class, you take those postures, hopefully you're breathing beautifully through that entire class. And what happens, you exhaust the body and you deepen the breath. And hopefully that gives you a little space in the mind. So that's what that.

That's what that class is for. And in that space, you can start disentangling all of these things that we're talking about.

And hopefully your yoga teacher is also going to giving a dharma talk, which is, in the beginning, a little bit of wisdom, little bit of ancient philosophy that you can chew on. But just to say that is a beautiful part of the practice. I highly encourage it.

And it was designed to help you do the deeper work of getting to know yourself on the, on the, on the level of what they call the capital S self. The higher self.

Speaker A: 00:16:59

Yes. So you're speaking about disconnecting ourselves from the world for at least that hour fully.

So when we go back to real life again, we are not bumped right into the treadmill.

Speaker B: 00:17:16

Yeah. I mean, it's funny because I can see people in my classes, I can actually see the switch flip, where they go from.

From that more relaxed, receptive state to back into their doing mode. Right. So. So there's this balance we need to cultivate between being and doing.

And ideally we get to a place where even in our doing, we are fully being. But that's a, It's a practice and everything I offer is a practice. It is not a quick fix. It is a way of engaging in life and it requires.

Requires regular practice. And that doesn't mean that you always have to get onto your mat for an hour. That means you can step outside and look at the sky for three minutes.

It means you can decide that you're going to turn your phone face down while you're working at your computer so you're fully present with the work that you're doing. It means inviting presence into your life. Inviting, inviting stillness into your life.

These are the practices that slowly and with compassion, over time will transform your life.

Speaker A: 00:18:28

Yes. That is so important because, yes.

I myself see that with myself and others, where we leave the class and we are already spinning the wheel, what to do next. That's not a very healthy place to be because you just, you just spent an hour trying to rebalance yourself.

Speaker B: 00:18:51

Yes, yes. And when you do that. So just a little tip for your listeners.

If you find yourself like, wow, I just saw myself go from this relaxed state to this distracted state. Like, that's okay. That's called being human. It's in the awareness, the compassionate awareness that change starts to happen.

So the next time that happens, all you need to do is just take a moment and, and say, I saw that. I witnessed that. I'm not judging myself for it. I'm not even trying to change it. I'm just holding the awareness with compassion.

Because we have never changed anyone through shame, blame, or guilt. Right.

Change happens in loving compassion, which is very much part of what I do is helping people, holding people in the space of love and compassion so that they can learn to hold it for themselves.

Speaker A: 00:19:52

Yes. And this is so important. Communities and people who are on the same path when we're hanging out with the same level of mentality, it's very helpful.

And the awareness actually is supportive of us realigning to the training that we are just receiving during that yoga class and watching everybody else reacting peacefully, reacting as if they are dropping the nervous system down, level down, so you feel like you belong. And maybe you can then work on yourself, work with what you have, what you've got to, to become that, that you are learning.

Speaker B: 00:20:51

Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker A: 00:20:52

Wonderful. So if, if I can ask you maybe go into some practical tip, or maybe breath alone. What is the strength? What is, what is the base of your training?

Is it meditation or is it breath?

Speaker B: 00:21:12

So I use. Those are all part of the system of yoga. So I use all of them.

I am a probably, I lean a little bit more towards meditation than breath work, but they are all beautiful practices and they. It really depends on who you are. Because I meet. Meet a lot of women who say, I cannot meditate.

My brain is too busy, there's too many thoughts in there. I sit down and I immediately want to jump up and run around and do you know the 10 things that just came across the screen of my mind?

And this is so common because again, going back to those roles, goals that we discussed, so much of our worth has historically come from how much we could do, how much we could serve others, how many things we could check off the to do list.

And being still felt threatening because we, if we weren't being productive, if we weren't being of value to someone else, then maybe we just weren't of value at all. And so when we sit down and try to be still and silent, that subconscious programming is, is coming in. Right? That's what you're sensing.

If you sit down and you're thinking, I just cannot do this. I cannot sit here. It. And it's also, I will also add, when we sit, we can have emotions rise up that we have tried very hard to shove down.

Uncomfortable emotions that we've been trying to outrun, possibly for years may start to surface when we sit. So I want to normalize that.

I want women to know that they are not alone in that experience, that that is an extremely common experience and that it doesn't mean that you can't meditate or that you are a bad meditator or that meditation is not for you. It means that you're having a human experience.

And the other thing I want women to really think about when they think about meditating is that we have A brain. Just like we have any other organ in our body. We have a heart, we have lungs, we have kidneys.

They all evolved to perform a specific function to keep us alive. And our brain is the only organ that we ask to not perform its function, the only one that we say, it should be able to stop doing that on command.

I should be able to sit down and make it shut up and be quiet, as if we could tell our heart to stop beating or our lungs to stop breathing. And so having thoughts in meditation is not a problem. Problem. It is expected. It is normal. It is the job of your brain.

Meditation is not about sitting with a blank mind. It is about re centering. Each time we notice that the mind has wandered.

And so there are many forms of meditation, and I offer all of them because we all have preferences, and there's nothing wrong with that.

So you'll find if you decide you want to dip your toe into meditation, I highly recommend trying lots of different forms until you find the one that feels really good to you. But in all forms of meditation, we have an anchor. We have something that the mind comes back to.

So maybe it's your breath, to use a very simple example. And you're just trying to focus on the sensation of breathing in and breathing out.

But you breathe in and you think, oh, shit, shoot, did I turn the stove off? And then you bring it back to your breath, and then you breathe out and you think, crap, what time was that appointment this afternoon?

And then you breathe in, right? This is the practice. The return is the practice.

So I really want to let women off the hook or help them to let themselves off the hook and say, I can do this. It's okay if. Every breath, every single, single breath, I get distracted and maybe I. I really go off on a tangent.

And now it's been three minutes and I haven't come back to my breath. But. But something happens, and all of a sudden you're like, oh, yeah, my breath. I. And you come back. It's beautiful. That's the practice.

And that is the practice that will actually transform your life.

Speaker A: 00:25:44

Yes, yes, that's definitely powerful because we do count on our head to do what we wanted to do, but unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. I hear other spiritual teachers teaching to concentrate on the belly. Is that right?

Speaker B: 00:26:04

Yes. I mean, I think that the deep breathing is very calming, for sure. It's why we use it in our yoga practices. But anytime that we.

We just try to bring that mind to a single point, we're going to Notice a downregulation of our nervous system because in our everyday life that we live in, we have a lot of stimuli going on all the time. Our phones, our computers, people talking to us, lights, noise, it's constant.

And the nervous system really wasn't designed to handle the level or the volume of stimulation that our current world gives us on everyday basis. So yes, there your, your second brain is your gut. There are a lot of nerve endings in there.

Engaging the abdomen is, yeah, it's going to downregulate your nervous system, but also so is just trying to be present in the moment.

And even if we are failing at that, if you've ever, I don't know if you've ever sat in meditation or maybe this will be familiar to your listeners, but some days when you sit, the mind is going to be more busy than others. Again, just a normal variation of the mind. But even on those days where you feel like your mind is the roadrunner, it just will not stop.

The thoughts are incessant, they keep coming.

If you can stay with it just five minutes, just stay with it, you still will notice a significant sense of relaxation after that 5 minutes compared to when you started. Even if the mind never slows down, it can keep going at a hundred miles an hour.

If you just stay with it, you will feel better after that five minutes. So it's, it's the practice, it's the returning, it's the what's in yoga called pratyahara, which is withdrawal of the senses.

These are the things that bring us to the present moment and tell our body that it's safe and it's okay to relax.

Speaker A: 00:28:22

Yes, yes. Gratitude is one of those things that I use when I want to refocus.

I like to focus my brain on just one point far in, in a distance where I can just look at it. And then that kind of brings me, brings my mind to a little lower speed and eventually I get there. So that's my way of doing that. Okay.

So I love that, that you are actually showing us that there is different things about yoga. It's not just the mat and it's not just the breath alone. And I appreciate that.

So we all want to get back into balance and this is definitely very helpful. And you do online, you offer online classes as well as education on substack?

Speaker B: 00:29:21

Yes. So I don't offer online asana classes, those are your posture classes. But I do have a lot of practices online.

So meditations, breath practices, somatic practices, those are all on my sub stack page. And then I also do online teachings. So community opportunities to come together as a community. It's called a satsang.

And we pick a particular theme from yogic philosophy and we learn a little bit about it and how it applies, applies in our lives, in our everyday lives. And we reflect and we practice and we have conversation around it and it's, it's a really beautiful experience. I do that once a month as well.

Speaker A: 00:30:05

So if someone wants to belong to that community, how would they find you? Or find that community?

Speaker B: 00:30:12

So they can sign up for my newsletter, which I can give you the link to that, and then they will get notified each month when it's about to happen.

Speaker A: 00:30:20

Okay, so we're going to put this in the show notes so you can find this. And otherwise, what is your website or somewhere that we can just look at your other offering?

Speaker B: 00:30:31

Yes, so people can find me@katiefrest.com that's my website. I have all of my coaching services outlined on that website.

I have a podcast called the Midlife Spirituality Project where I talk about a lot of, of this stuff. So if you just want to learn more, you can head on over there and listen to that.

Speaker A: 00:30:51

Okay, that's perfect. So this is extremely powerful conversation for a lot of us who are dealing with those wobbly times and just know that there is a way out of it.

And we, we can go and then refocus. And this is exactly what Katie is teaching us. And this vibrant second act podcast is going to be directed towards.

So thank you so much, Katie, for being here.

Speaker B: 00:31:24

Oh, it's my pleasure, Yolanda. Thank you so much for having me.